[personal profile] snakebitcat
Hey there. Been awhile, hasn't it?

I've had so many things I've wanted to say, but have been at a loss as to how to say them. It has not been a good half-year. There have been good bits along the way, but overall? a lot of "what's the point, really" going on over on my side of the keyboard.

Got laid off last November, shortly after I started a relationship with someone again after being alone following Pix betraying me in at least two fundamental ways that I'm not sure I'll ever really be able to go into in detail here in mid-2010. M and I got along well, and we had good times together, but it just didn't work out.The breakpoint for me came after we went to see The Great Gatsby, and we were talking about how Daisy's fatal flaw was that she desperately needed for everything to be easy, and in the end it was easier for her to passively stay with her husband, as shitty as he was, rather than actively choose either him or Gatsby over the other. And I wound up doing a lot of soul-searching and eventually realised that although I liked M - I liked her a lot - it wasn't love, and it never would be.

And, for that matter, that I wasn't sure I was capable of loving anybody more than I already do. Which is one of many things that have depressed me. Especially because I was pretty sure that she might not love me, but she probably felt more strongly for me than I did for her. Which depressed me more because I was looking at having to choose between possibly hurting her by breaking things off vs hurting her worse by staying together with her and letting things drag out on the off chance that maybe I would start feeling differently some day in the future. Yeah, like that would be fair to her, so yeah. So I'm single again. By my choice this time, at least.

Also found another job, but am still playing catchup on my bills so I get to add money stress onto everything else. Yay.

So yeah, depression. Been dealing with that off and on pretty much my entire life, but it's been "on" so much more the last few years. I can't remember the last time I felt truly happy. Sometimes I feel glad, for awhile (usually while I'm distracting myself with gaming or movies or whatever), but a deep abiding good feeling? Fucked if I know when the last time that happened was.
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