(FICTION) (DH) Dok Shock's Blog

Yes, I know that "dok" isn't an actual word. When I started out, I called myself "Doctor Shock" - boy, what a mistake that was. Turns out my state has a law against people representing themselves as being a member of certain profesions that require specific degrees, and because I never got a PhD, they managed to convict me under that. When I asked if I could abbreviate it "Doc", the judge just said the number of the statute they'd prosecuted me for, and gave me the same kind of look I've gotten from all too many superheros. But I liked the sound of it, so if the authorities ever try to make a thing out of it, I'll just show them one of my business cards and laugh in their faces.

I suppose I can take comfort in the fact that I, like Capone, only got brought down by a backdoor technicality. Or that my lawyer was at least able to argue them down to time served and community service, but the fact that all my ill-gotten gains that hadn't already been blown on things I wanted wound up in hands other than mine kind of kills that for me.

Anyway.

They told me that if I tried explaining how I wound up being the kind of guy who could put "Supervillain" in the "Occupation" part of any paperwork I had to fill out, I might get a few hours shaved off, so here we are.

If you get powers, you only have two choices, if you stop and think about it: Make money off them, or don't. Everything else falls under one or the other. A hero with the right powers, look and agent makes more than most villains ever think about; merchandising is the route to stupid money, but most companies will either balk at even partially financing a reign of terror, or they'll try to screw you by using your likeness without paying you any royalties for it. I never saw a penny for any of the action figures they made of me, that's for damn sure.

Not that they were that good, anyway. Or that they sold all that many. But it's the principle of the thing, dammit. But I digress.

So anyway. Even if you choose to make money off your powers, that doesn't mean you actually will. There's any number of reasons for that (my recent extortionate legal fees spring to mind, for one thing), but one of the most common ones is spending more money on setting up the crimes you commit than you can ever hope to get out of it. I'm grateful that 'm not one of those lunatics that wound up with the power to design and build battlesuits, because (if what Armadaman told me is anything to judge by) the upkeep on power armor is just harsh, and if you're not ambitious enough to do more than rob convenience stores, all you can hope for is to have some tasty snacks to eat after your equipment's fallen to pieces from disrepair.

There's also people whose powers have really bad side-effects that wind up costing them, too. Like Eurethror. I would say "You'd think that with a power like nuclear pee, you'd be a force of terror", but come on now. Aside from the fact that he had to equip anyplace he wanted to use as a lair with lead toilets that were independant of the local sewage system, there's the matter of what he had to do in order to use those powers - which landed him on the sex offenders registry for indecent exposure. I know I'm a villain and all, but I had to feel sorry for the poor bastard cops that handled that arrest. (Also, while his chosen name was bad enough, just try to find a supers-related website where anybody calls him anything other than Weenie Wagger anymore. I mean, really.)

There's also a lot of people who gain powers that are just plain useless as anything other than interesting tirvia - like that girl in Kansas who has the power to tell you what the 33rd word of any book is, or the guy who can see the future, but no farther ahead than a tenth of a second.

Some people already have enough money that they don't have to worry about it anymore, or whatever.

Then there's people like me, who just don't want to have to hold down a day job, and figure that we have powers that are useful for doing so. We have to choose whether we're going to make money or just take it, and I chose B.

For starters, I don't exactly have the kind of powers that can carry their own comic book, and you pretty much have to if you want to make a living as a hero. I can run a little faster than a regular person, which while useful in escaping the scene of the crime and all, isn't anything somebody that made an effort could eventually manage on their own, and although my electrical powers are nothing to sneeze at, when was the last time anybody with electrical powers was the star of their own book?

Although really, the reason I decided to be a villain?

All superheros are TOTAL DICKS.